As we speak, reality television is on its knees. Big Brother has been dealt a death blow, Strictly Come Dancing is the new face of callous ageism, and the opening stages of The X Factor have literally turned into a pantomime. It's only going to take one more knock to send the whole reality industry crashing to the ground, and there's a pretty good chance that it might look like Karren Brady.
It was reported last week that Karren Brady, the boss of the terminally mediocre Birmingham City FC, will be taking over from Margaret Mountford as Sir Alan Sugar's sidekick during the next series of The Apprentice. It's a thankless task if ever there was one - Margaret, with her polar bear haircut and crippling disdain for everything she ever encountered, was dangerously close to becoming a national treasure - but even so, it's hard not to feel a little uneasy about the appointment.
Replacing an Apprentice sidekick is a historically dicey move. What killed the American Apprentice wasn't the godawful Martha Stewart spin-off - although to be fair having a boss who wrote each candidate a letter of apology directly after firing them was an act of dizzing gormlessness. No, what did the American Apprentice in was when Donald Trump booted his trusty cohort Carolyn Kepcher and drafted in his younger daughter Ivanka in her place. Almost immediately afterwards, the show got uprooted to LA, the losing team had to sleep outside in tents, and all the viewers disappeared in search of something less idiotic.
It's a slightly different scenario over here. Carolyn Kepcher almost certainly didn't leave to pursue her love of Egyptian papyrology, and if Alan Sugar shared Donald Trump's fondness for nepotism, then it'd be Roxy Mitchell off EastEnders sitting in the boardroom instead of Karren Brady. But the result could be the same; people just don't like change.
Also, in her previous appearances on The Apprentice, Karren Brady's default persona was chippy and confrontational. Her new job will require her to be a little more elegant. Instead of simply barking rhetorical questions at hapless candidates, she'll need to learn how to cultivate the sort of detached ennui that Moundford made her own – an air that says: "You people at home might find all of this hilarious, but I'm missing a BBC4 documentary about advanced geology here."
Most of all, though, Karren Brady's appointment is going to hurt Nick. He and Margaret weren't just a team - they actually looked like a couple. You could imagine them nipping off during breaks to go and sit on a seafront bench together, where they'd gently discuss times gone by over the tinfoil-wrapped sandwiches they'd made that morning. It was sweet.
But Nick and Karren Brady? That's just weird. It'd make Nick look like he was going through an alarming midlife crisis. It'd make Karren look like Anna Nicole Smith. It wouldn't work at all. Karren Brady would do well to tread carefully when The Apprentice starts filming.
The Guardian 2009
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